FACT: i am a hopeless romantic.

its 11:11 and guess what i wished for? you. The answer is always you.

Not more than an hour ago we sat on this couch. Your head was buried in my shoulder and my free hand was loosely intertwined with yours. I was begging you to tell me the end of the movie we were watching but as per usual, you wouldn’t budge, and as per usual, i was threatening you with the mother of all punishments. I unlaced my fingers from yours and began gently squeezing at your side, giggling as you tried to push me away. I moved so i could use both hands to attack your stomach, and murmured “tell me” into the side of your neck. This evolved in the usual fashion, and we ended up with our limbs tangled together in some seemingly impossible manner, breathing deeply, with remnants of giggles still passing our lips occasionally, with my heart aching to get closer to you and tell you all of the things racing through my brain. As per usual, i pushed all of that aside and tried to enjoy what I did have. We had missed a good 10 minutes of the movie, but neither of us seemed to noticed or care.

No more than 45 minutes ago we sat on this couch. We watched JennaMarbles videos and laughed uncontrollably for a while. We talked about stupid things people do and the technical difficulty of modern art and the falling standard of what is considered “good” nowadays and I smiled because most of the time, nobody cares what I have to say on the matter. I asked you about your leprechaun boyfriend and you told me he was good. Then you went on to explain how he was annoying sometimes and i kept my mouth shut because inside, I was beaming.

No more then half an hour ago I dropped you off at your house. You said you were tired but it was only 10:30 so instead I assumed that you were as scared of what was happening as I was. On my way home I stopped at my favorite spot and I stood and watched the water for a while. Actually, I couldn’t see the water so I listened instead. Its windy out tonight, and its cold. I thought about all of the things that were going through my head. I thought about how I almost had you but was too much of a chicken so instead I smoked a cigarette to calm my trembling hands and went home. I thought about the time I called you crying. I was walking in the rain and you came to pick me up and you brought a towel and you let me cry and sleep over at your house. I thought about how strongly I feel for you and how much I want to tell you and how Im scared that would mean that I would have to give you up. I thought about how you make me want to be a better person, how you make me want to get my shit together and actually make something of myself. I thought about how much I love that about you, and how much I hate it.

blah.

so, keep my family in your thoughts?

so im sitting here (on my bed for the weekend, which is actually the couch in the family room) trying to fall asleep when my whole family comes in, my grandma sounding all garbled, my mother and her sisters all freaked out, the dogs barking, all that shit. all of a sudden my grandmas dry heaving and crying and her blood pressure is through the roof and my mom is calling an ambulance and im pretending to be asleep so that no one sees that im having a fucking panic attack and that i cant breathe and that my hands are shaking like a motherfucker and im freaking out.

I think i just need to create something. paint something, draw something, make something… idk. something. and not for anyone else but myself. maybe then my day wont feel so shitty anymore.

gpoy

okay i got my makeup done today, so naturally i had to come home and take pictures. and because im narcissistic, im putting them up on tumblr. :) enjooooy.

yes, i realize my shirt is on backwards and inside out in this one. dont hate:)